I Don't Know

I'm not sure if I'm ready to share this... but something compels me to tap it out on the keyboard. Maybe I just need to journal it for myself.

Mr. Burns and I have been talking. Since a month and a half after we broke up, we've been talking about once every two weeks. Sometimes more. Usually for an hour at a time.

I haven't exactly been kind to him either. My heart is still hurt. So much so that he has asked if I have any good memories of our relationship. Sure. But it does me no good to dwell on that right now.

At first, it was him telling me about the part of the him that wants to be the man to put a ring on my finger and keep me forever. But then there is the part of him that just doesn't know.

I finally told him to keep it to himself.
"You, on the fence is not news. I don't need to hear about it. It's hurtful." It's insulting is what it is. "If you ever decide to get off the fence and pick a side... that I'd like to hear about."

Once I said that, I didn't hear from him for two full weeks.
Then he called and told me that he thinks about me often. He misses me. He really loved sharing his life with me and he misses that.

He told me that the night we broke up... he pulled the car over on the way home, crying. He almost turned around and came back. I wonder what would have happened if he had. He said that he wasn't ready for us to break up, but he accepted that it was what I needed. True. I couldn't take the status quo anymore. Working so hard for nothing to change.

Now, as he thinks about just what a good match we were, that maybe we should try to make this work.

I asked him if he was just sharing thoughts, or if he was asking me something. He didn't have an answer for that.

I did tell him that there is a lot that is broken that needs to be repaired. If we would try to get back together, repair is the first priority. But I didn't say that we would.

Last night, I talked to friends from church, a couple who has been married for at least 15 years.
The husband told me, "The reason a man doesn't get married is either he doesn't love her or he thinks someone better is out there."

Hmmm.

So I put that criteria before myself.
Do I love him? I think so. I'm still hurt, and I don't know if what I'm feeling is hurt or not loving him.
Do I think I might find someone better?
You know what? Sometimes I do think that there might be someone as good for me or better out there - but I am quite certain I won't run into that guy for another 30 years.
I am not being sarcastic. Or funny. Or glib. Or defeatist. Or obstinate. I really believe it. That guy is not showing up until I'm at least 60.
So if I'm with Mr. Burns for the next 20-30 years, I won't be looking that other guy anyway.

And who knows what life brings. Maybe I'll need someone else when I'm 68.
Maybe it's worth seeing if this will work.
But I'm not giving Mr. Burns more than 3 months this time - unless I'm absolutely positive he is ready to go where I am ready to go.

If he decides to ask me a question, I think I'll tell him that he has permission to pursue me.
Show me what ya got.

At least, that's what I think right now.

Sammy Sighs

Mom said it was time for me and Sissy to go see Megan, our groomer. Here is what we looked like before...poor little orphans that we looked like for sure:

See how much hair I have, it makes me look fat! I'm not fat, just have fluffy hair, I swear!

And Sissy is sure looking kinda ratty too.

And ... now...









Don't I look great?

And here is Silly Sissy:

A pain in the groin

I'm out for the count.

So, I definitely felt like I pulled something Saturday after Pilates, yet thought it was just a random weird pain that would go away. So, I proceed to run the farthest I ever had Monday, do yoga then Tuesday work out again. Wednesday go on a farm interview, help them prune raspberry bushes for 3 hours and now I am screwed. I pulled my groin, aggravated it and can't really function normally. I can walk but simple things like sitting and standing hurt, (AND pushing down on the clutch to shift in my car,). So, goodbye my uphill climb to training to run a 5k for now and working out at all. I'm an idiot and should have taken it easy. It is what it is.

Besides the injury, everything is good. My interview went well, I am still on the fence about actually doing it... I am keeping all my options open right now.

So, in lieu of my "injury" if you even call it that, I am going to make some oatmeal watch mindless morning talk-shows and relax....

P.S. Here is my recipe for the soup I made! It was Scallop/Pea Chowder!



* 5 to 6 cups chicken stock, (I used Wolfgang Puck Rotisserie Chicken)
* 1 to 2 cups water
* 2 large onions diced
* 2 cups mushrooms
* 2 green peppers diced
* 3 celery stalks cut
* 3 potatoes diced
* 2 lb SCALLOPS (fresh is best)
* 1 1/2 lbs peas (I used frozen and they were delish)
* A LOT OF FRESH SAGE (this makes it come together)
* S & P to taste
* 1 tbsp extra virgin olive oil
* 1 cup heavy cream
* 1 bay leaf
* 2 tbsp old bay

Steam peas lightly for 10 minutes.
Combine onions, mushrooms, peppers and olive oil into pan until soft. Then, add celery, peas, potatoes, chicken stock. Cook until soft. Add bay leaf & heavy cream. Transfer to pot (or if you're like me and not a bodybuilder, transfer everything before adding the second round)

Cut scallops into desired size, I quartered them. Sprinkle with old bay, place in soup. Add sage & sp in sprinkles for about 15/20 minutes (or just throw it all in if you're impatient, haha) Scallops will be cooked through in 6/7 minutes!! ENJOY!

This soup was a hit with my family and a bunch of my friends (even the picky ones). It's light enough, herby enough and hearty enough for a winter day! (AND it tasted better the second day, yum)

AND Angela is giving away something that involves the words Jillian and Shred....and it'll kick your butt into gear..so go CHECK IT OUT!

Success!

The quest for the perfect pair of jeans... forget it... a pair of jeans is excruciating. I can't even tell you how long I have been looking for a pair of jeans. I think it comes close to two years. Not kidding. My old reliable pair is about to lose the riveted button from wear - and you know once that's gone, there's no replacing it. I have to find jeans now.

I buy maybe a pair of jeans a year, probably even less. I'm learning I might as well spend more money on jeans - cuz that breaks down to something like .0000001 cent per wear! There was a year that I had great success at TJM*xx and bought 2 or 3 pairs. There have been times that it was way easier (and more relaxing) to search for a bathing suit than it was to find jeans.

It must be hard for everyone because I'm a size 3 with a teeny tiny butt, and from what I read and hear, that's supposed to make it easy. I am here to witness to you - it doesn't. It just goes to show that everybody has their challenges.

And I'm picky. I hate the jeans with faded streaks at the hips or other accent points. Can they please stop doing that?! Please. I don't want jeans that have strategically placed rips, strategically patched or stitched over. Please. I'm a grown up and I might want to wear my jeans to work on occasion, without looking like I walked out of some hip hop video.

That is the special challenge of my size, I only fit in the jr's department. Hard to look like a grown up when you're wearing teenager's clothes! Everyone says they would love to have that problem - okay - how about you walk in my shoes for 30 years and then check back with me?

You might have guessed that I am here to announce that I found a pair of jeans! Yay me! Luck of lucks, they were at M*cy's in the high fashion section - marked down from $120 to $39.99!! Good thing too because I have to take them to the tailor for hemming. Cost estimate to come...

I can't find the exact jeans to show you but they look a lot like this:


Ahem... my butt does not look like that.


I love the trouser style. Grown up. Stylish, but conservative enough for this nearly middle-aged woman to wear to work once in a while. Lucky me. And yeah... there was only one pair left on the rack. Boo.

While I'm at it, let me show you the super-cute, yellow peep toe heels I found for $14.


















and the silver strappies for $15. Awesome!



















Oh, and remember when I was looking for the perfect winter nightie? I ended up with this beauty from G*P B*dy. Not bad eh?


Just doing my small part to help the economy.
Now if only it were spring so I could get out of these winter clothes and start wearing those yellow shoes!!!

Lent

Last night marked the beginning of Lent with Ash Wednesday services. I want to make this year's Easter season mean something to me, not just give up chocolate or diet pepsi, or, God forbid, wine. So, I am trying to do something internal, something meaningful to make myself a better person. After listening to Father last night I think this is what I should do. I'll keep you posted.

About the Trip--#2

When we were getting ready for our trip to Arnold, the nice guy that went with us kept asking me if they had a workout room. This is mainly due to the fact I give him a bad time about how "buff" I am getting (not!) from my new exercise routine. In addition, he walks several miles a day himself.

So, we checked out the motel website (we didn't stay in Arnold, we stayed in Broken Bow...bigger than Arnold by far, but not big in any sense otherwise).

Yes, it had a workout room. He laughed that it was probably a manual treadmill. I said, no I bet it was a jump rope. It turned out to be a nice room, with two pieces of equipment...a treadmill (not manual) and an eliptical machine. No TV or any extras. The room was mostly empty. The photo to the right is not the actual room....

The funny thing about the room was that in the middle of the wall was a shower. An open shower. No door. No glass. No curtain. Not even a small washcloth to hide behind.Just a shower in the middle of the wall. Straight across from the shower was the outdoor wall...full of floor to ceiling windows!!!

Hmmm....what's up with that? I still can't believe it. And, I'm not lying!

Yeah, I Went on a Chocolate Run. So?

This afternoon, I poked my head into my bosses' office, "I'm going out for chocolate. I'll be right back." I told him.

He didn't bat an eye.

For a woman who never once craved chocolate before I turned 30 - the craving I had today completely rocked me.

I'd had a good lunch, even had some leftover and put it in the office fridge.
When I felt hungry 40 minutes later I knew I wasn't actually hungry. I wanted something... carby... and chocolate. I need cake!

I tried to ignore it for another 4o minutes but my body was insistant.
Day two of Mother Nature's annoying gift. I need cake. Chocolate Cake.

There is a grocery store near my office. I was sure I could buy a slice. But you know - you can't trust that grocery store cake to be chocolate or even chocolate flavored. Sometimes it's just brown cake. That would not do.

My car took me straight to the nearest St*rbucks. When I walked in the door, two double chocolate cupcakes with thick chocolate frosting greeted me cheerfully. I'll take both of them.

Oh... it was so good!
Soooooo gooooood.

And I'm proud to say there is still one cupcake left to tempt me on Ash Wednesday.

Oh Happy Day

happy happy happy happy....

Today was a good day.

I have been "job hunting" FOREVER and "soul searching" forever and today I feel like I might have found a way to "find" both at the same time. Since living in the mountains last summer I have been intrigued by the production of produce (organic) from the farm. I swear I have had this itching inside of me to pick up everything and run an organic farm, raise little children have a mountain man husband and be content with the simplicity of life, haha. Well lets back up a little...

Tomorrow I have another "farm apprenticeship" interview only 1 1/2 hours from my house. It's too good to be true. I'll be paid well, fed, housed and taught everything I'd need to know about agricultural management. I went from an electronic media/video editor/wedding event girl to this. I know. But it's the first time I've felt "good" with the direction I was going. Who knows where it'll lead, if I'll even defintely get the apprenticeship but....today was a good day:-)

Besides the mentally good day, today was physically good as well. My sister and I attended the best strength class in the gym, and I did 15 minutes on the stairmaster. Last night I also ran 2.65 miles (taking 2 minute break) and that was such an accomplishment for me. I notice my muscles getting more pronouned and stronger esp. in my arms. Still need to get the weight down more...baby steps.

AND....I made delicious scallop/pea chowder which was soo friggin' good. It was a hit at home. My family is on a soup kick or something.

I also took the next step with contacting this guy I like...that's a little bit of a secret and I'm totally freaked out...soooo subject change.

Do you ever get those days where everything seems aligned? Today was this for me:-)

Goodnight everyone!

About the Trip...

Happy Tuesday!

I had hoped to get some "real" pictures to add to my post, but they are kinda blurry if I remember right, so you'll have to just imagine that the graphics go along here. My friend, S, and I traveled to a small town, Arnold, in Nebraska to visit their school. Two other guys went as well. One of those guys was an annoying *ss. But, that's not my story. At least not now.

Anyway, we needed to get gas when we got to Arnold. So we found a gas station that said 24 hour service...use your credit card. So, we stop, and I get out with the credit card and the nice guy with us got out to pump gas. I walk around the pumps with the credit card. There is no place to put your card in on the pumps. Finally an attendant comes out and tells me I have to "come over by the buildin'."

Over by the building is a little wood stand that has a machine in it that you have to run the credit card through. Then you have to put in the pump you want to use. The attendant told me to put pump #3 (which turned out to be the most expensive pump---go figure!) Then, you go and pump the gas. After you are done pumping the gas, you go back to the little wooden box and run the credit card again to retrieve a receipt.

That's pretty up-town, don't ya think?

I personally think it would have been just as fast to go inside and pay. And, I was thankful that we were not there at night when there was no attendant to tell us what to do! I am sure the people in their town have probably figured it all out....but for us "city folk" (which we really are NOT)...it was quite the ordeal.

You may remember my recent gas station experiences, including the one in Grand Island, among other times. I truly do feel that I am "gas station impaired"!! Where is Goober when you need him?

Tomorrow--the modern day motel workout room.

Happy Birthday Dad!

Happy Birthday to my Dad. Let me tell you, he's the best. My dad wasn't always my dad, but he became dad to me and my younger sister when he married my mom, after my daddy died from cancer leaving her with two young daughters to raise. He accepted the whole package....and how lucky we were!

Later they had two more daughters, my other two sisters. He always made me feel like I was his daughter, never a "step" daughter, and I never think of him as anything other than my dad.

He has always been there for me, and I love him with all my heart. He's a wonderful dad, grandfather, and great grandfather. I wish I could express the words of how I feel, and I hope he knows in his heart what he means to me.

Happy, Happy Birthday, Dad. Thank you for everything! I love you!

I've Been Tagged!

Bobbi tagged me in a purse Meme! I'm supposed to take a picture of my purse and all it's contents.

I have to admit that I chastised her a bit- because the inside of my purse was a wreck - and I've been looking for new purse for the latest Huge Purse trend. Oh - to shame myself with my old purse!

So here goes. This is my current purse. It's a Nine West that I picked up at either TJM*xx or R*ss - possibly a year ago.

I've received many compliments on it - but I'm over it now. We're in a recession - it's time for a huge purse! (Honestly, it's a sociological trend! When economic times are bad - purses get bigger and hemlines get shorter - I think. I may be confused on the hemline bit)

Here are the contents. Actually, it looked much less messy once I laid it all out. Apparently a purse inspection is great for organizing one's purse!

1 - My cell phone

2 - Pile of receipts

3 - Hair options. I carry them but rarely use them.

4 - Food Allergy list. I carry it for restaurant use, to show waitstaff when I'm selecting a dish. Yes, there are two categories, one=deadly; two=severe discomfort, potential anaplylaxis & hives!

5- My wallet. It's HOBO International. I just love it! Bought on vacation.

6 - another little wallet that snaps closed. This is where I keep my shopping club cards, gift cards and so forth.

7 - photo of a friends baby that she just gave me the other day. (the photo not the baby!)

8 - It looks like a matchbook, but it's actually a little pad of paper. Never know when you need to write a note.

9 - Claim ticket from the tailor. I took two belts in to be shortened.

10 - Also looks like a matchbook - rather it's a little case of small emery boards that tear out like paper matches.

11 - my work badge. It gets me into the courthouse without having to stand in line for the metal detectors!

12 - various business cards accumulated in the past month.

13 - spare car keys

14 -nail clippers. I always have splits that I must cut just to continue on with my day.

15 - my favorite gum. Eclipse, Winterfrost

16 - a little envelope intended to contain notes and receipts.

17 - Blistex - I can't go 40 minutes without reapplying & Buxom lip gloss - it was a free sample. I like it.

18- a pack of oil blotting tissues. Again, kept in my purse but never use them!

19 - mechanical pencil - I usually have a pen in there but not today.

So now that I've shamed myself with my purse contents - I have to show off my new huge purse!

Do you suppose that I love Orange? It's a brand called Emilie M. I have several bags from this maker - I always find them at TJM*xx & R*ss and I assume it's one of the makers that knocks off the high-end bags. Because these are never made of real leather and they are around only $19.99! I would rather have a selection of affordable bags that I don't mind getting tired of - than one expensive designer bag. But that's just me.

Here are both bags together to emphasize the size difference!

And I'm going to tag... hmm.... I'm dying to see Katie's bag and .... let's see... Melanie from This Ain't New York! (I happen to know she just went to Target! She got shoes, it's no stretch to guess she has a new bag.)

Funday Sunday

I had another "funday" Sunday today when we met my parents for lunch halfway between their hometown and ours. One of my sisters was able to join us, and Tina went along. An additional surprise was having my mother in law travel along with my parents. We met and had a nice lunch at Applebees where we celebrated my dad's upcoming birthday. It was so nice to see them!

View the slide show here, or go to my photo album link and click on Dad Birthday, 2009:






I hope you all had a wonderful weekend! I'll be writing about my recent road trip this week.

Sister's new blog!

My little sister created a blog about her healthy journey. She has lost 55 pounds since her journey began and her blog is fun to read & she's my sister so check it out!

On The Road

Deep Breath

I am still here!

The detox ended roughly mid-tuesday because.........I went to Massachusetts for a job interview and well traveling and juicing and smoothie-ing doesn't mix. My friend Sonia and I drove 4 hours to Mass., where I interviewed for an apprentice job. Turns out it is an intense farming management position (if you haven't noticed I've been soul-searching with my job direction) and may be too intense for me to take one right away (March 14th). But Mass. was beautiful, we ate seafood, I drank 3 steel rails and since then I've been back to eating normally.

Tonight is Friday, and I am totally having one of those days where I am thinking way to much and being way to hard on myself. I said I would move home and save money but all I have been doing is looking for my "dream job". I need to be content with working a "non" dream job right now at home, saving money and waiting. I have trouble with this though...so yeah.

I bypassed the gym Tuesday & Wednesday because I was in Mass., went yesterday and did 30 mins elliptical, pilates class and arms.

I also ran a straight 2 miles, which is good for me! No intervals! Whoohooo.

Tomorrow is my friends bachelorette party, and I am attending pilates in the morning.

Breath in and out, and come back to my center........

Quick Update

Wow, it is Friday night already! My week went by pretty fast! I went on a little road trip with my friend, S, and two others for work. I was gone overnight, but Sissy and Sammy seem to have survived. I will have to write more on the trip later, including yet another gas station story. I must be gas station impaired..!!

Tina found out that she finally gets to move and join Adam. I'm happy for her, but sad that she'll be so far away. It's been nice having her close by.

My dad's birthday is the 23rd, so we hope to meet half way and share lunch on Sunday. That'll be great, I miss my parents! I miss everyone!

Have a great weekend. I hope to get some posts written soon!

Beg, Borrow - Pray

While I was unemployed (through 2008 and much of 2007) I was at once panicked and unaffected about money concerns. Either I was too dumb to know to be worried, or too confident that I would be okay.

To be honest, I had a few thousand dollars in savings to live on - but let's be real here - $2,000 or $3,000 doesn't last 14 months. Not with a mortgage to pay each month.

Still every month I was able to make that mortgage payment, and buy groceries, and put gas in my car. Every. Month.

My friends thought I was some sort of genius with money - but if you really know me - you know that sure ain't true! Every month, I would look at my bank balance and PRAISE GOD. It was SO God providing for me. No other way to explain it.

When, after all those months I was finally in contention for a real job - I prayed and prayed. If you remember, I was one of three candidates that they took 3 weeks to decide between. I told the Lord that I recognized that I did all I could do. I'm qualified, I interviewed, and they are seriously considering me. It's out of my hands God, it's in Your hands. You know if this is the right job for me - so I will trust when I hear the news - whether I get it or don't get it - that it is Your plan.

After seeing God miraculously provide for me all that time, I was shamed into recognizing that I never, never in all my adult years took Tithing seriously.

A journalism degree does not beget loads of money. It doesn't even beget a sufficient living wage.
I always rationalized that I couldn't give up 10% of my income because I had to eat. Until recently I never put money in a 401k - not even when there was a 50% match - because I couldn't trust that I could get by with what would be left. And to be honest, things were always tight. I would borrow $100 or $200 bucks here and there from my parents just to maintain my car or pay my rent. No way could I put $100 bucks in the collection basket at church.

But I had 14 months to witness God providing for me and I promised Him, when I got a job I would give Him back 10%. It's definitely time.

Well, funds were low those first few months of employment. It took a few weeks to even get my first paycheck, then there was Christmas and traveling home. Funds were mysteriously thinner than when I was unemployed.

So January was my first month putting 10% in the basket.
I'll admit it was hard to write that check. I prayed over it, and I told God, "Seriously, this isn't easy." It was hard right up until I dropped that envelope in the basket.

Outside of insurance, mortgage payments and other bills, I NEVER drop that amount on anything.

I get paid this week, and this is the paycheck from which I write my Tithing contribution.

At the same time, I'm thinking about that plane ticket home for my niece's (The Champ) graduation in May. The rental car I'll need to drive the three hours from the airport to my hometown. My share of the laptop computer we plan to give her for college. I'm thinking about the tires I need on my car. The driver's side window that needs repairing. The credit card that paid for groceries some weeks. I'm thinking how much easier it will be to handle all that if I don't write the Tithing check each month. I think about how smart it would be to save all that money considering the economic crisis.

But then I think about how my job with the City is up for review in March. They could reduce my hours. They might cut my job. (although it's doubtful, they needed to hire three positions but only filled mine) Then I think about how God provides. And I think, probably wrongly, that if I commit to this 10% - maybe it's like insurance. God promises that what we give up will be returned threefold. Maybe God will bless me by insuring that the City doesn't cut my job despite the $56 million budget shortfall.

I have to write that check. But does it count if I do it begrudgingly? Maybe there is a grace period for getting used to Tithing.

Bloggy friends, please tell me how you do it! Inspire me. I beg you.

Then today, I am rattled to the core.

One of my favorite bloggy reads is Amy Beth at Ministry So Fabulous. She is just a young pup - 25 I think - and she has started a Ministry for young girls and teenagers. She was inspired to do this when she was in college - and now this young, beautiful woman is knee deep in an incredible ministry, teaching young women to love and trust God. Her ministry isn't glamorous. Dealing with young women, young girls she really gets her hands dirty with broken hearts, emotional and sexual abuse. This is a woman who I'm betting - is on dozens of young women's speed dial - she's a first responder when tragedy lands them in the hospital. Those girls NEED her. She is their witness to God's saving grace.

Her ministry runs on donations, and lately donors have been writing smaller checks, or pulling out all together. Today Starlite's biggest donor did just that. Dear Sweet Amy Beth is devastated and praying for God to provide.

And I'm wondering if my Tithing check should go to Starlite this month.
My church parish is on the wealthy side. They'll make it without my money.
Tonight I'm praying for God to give me some sign.

I'm also hoping Amy Beth puts together a button that I can link on my blog - so that if any of you are inspired to help her ministry - you might be compelled to do so.

She's so amazing and such a beautiful soldier for Christ - I want to see her ministry go national someday. She can't stop now.

Don't even...

Despite my better judgement, I still want to go see He's Just Not That Into You.
When the theory was first espoused on Sex and the City - it was indeed, revolutionary. My reaction was similar to Miranda's - what a relief! That's easy. Just move on.

I caught a bit of the Bonnie Hunt show one morning when I was home sick. She said that the phrase just rubs her the wrong way. How about, "He's just not mature enough to be good for anyone right now." she suggested, saying that "He's just not that into you - still lets guys off the hook and puts the blame on women."

I like her point. I suggested it to a few friends. Maybe he's not healthy enough for a relationship. Let's place the blame squarely on him shall we?

Then this weekend I spent time with one of my favorite guy friends. We are both having trouble finding love, and we are comfortable enough with one another that we can share our true feelings.

I told him Bonnie Hunt's theory. He had to agree it was valid.
I also told him how I'm too defeated to even go out anymore. That I figure I'm not going meet anyone dateable anyway, so why bother spending all that time blowing my hair out straight.

He laughed and made a play on the Deana Carter song title... "I Blew Out My Hair for This?"
I wish I could remember the other lines we came up with.
I shared some dating experiences - embellished for best hilarity - which reminded us both that I have enough material for a book. Then we started batting around titles, playing on "He's Just Not That Into You"

We settled on... Just.Don't.Even

Yummy Latte

The coffee shop has a new flavor here...brown sugar cinnamon. It is really good! Even the sugar free/fat free is to die for!

YUM!

Weekends Go Too Fast!

I can't believe it is already Sunday night. Where does the time go? I seem to keep busy all weekend. Friday night we ate at a good Mexican restaurant here with friends, then came home and just relaxed....I fell asleep on the couch! Saturday was the usual-- clean house, laundry, workout, etc. Tina and I attended another basketball game in the afternoon, which we did enjoy, and then went to church. After supper, it was already into the evening. Then today, back at it--washing bedding, get groceries, etc. I made rice krispie treats for Tina (and the rest of us...ha!) I also made fajitas for supper and some friends and Tina ate with us. Tina helped me make homemade tortillas...yum. Now, dishes are done, and time to relax after I do a few more things. I still will do my nordic track yet today and the dogs should get their bath, but we'll see.....I may just crash and watch tv. With the melting snow, they just get muddy, so maybe I'll wait a day or two this week. Wow, not too exciting, huh? But, I'm happy with the weekend....just wish it were longer!!

Detox Day 2

Ugh.

So, I decided to go out last night in celebration of my singleness with my friends and sister and broke my rule of no alcohol, lol. It didn't go over smoothly with my only intake of 3 juices yesterday. I know I am bad but c'monnn:)I won't be drinking all week and that's a fact.

This morning I woke up had a handful of pistachios and juiced a whole grapefruit and orange, yummmy. I also had a KIND bar. I went to see "Confessions of a Shopaholic" with my mom and sis (yeah we are movie freaks this weekend) and it was soooo cute and funny.

Right now as I type I am having a bowl of It tasted SOOOO GOOD! The ingredients are all natural and organic. It's funny how unappealing meat is to me right now...

Also, today the caffeine headache isn't as bad which is good. I have decided though that I am completely taking off from the gym today in lieu of my "cheating" last night.

I actually converted my friend Amanda into doing a detox too! Yay! Today I am relaxing, watching Big Love and sleeping.

Have a great Sunday!

Love Detox

So in celebration of Valentines Day I have a big announcement! I have committed to a week long fruit/veggie detox diet. My sister has been on one for 8 days and she says she has never felt better. I decided why not be the anti-valentine and swear off all indulgences starting today, lol, depressing right? I want to mainly juice/blend the fruits and veggies too. So here's the plan:

- Juiced/blended fruits veggies into drinks 2/3 times a day
- Almond Breeze is allowed:) for smoothness...yum
- Nuts are allowed in moderation (flax seeds too)
- So far coffee is a no-go but I am totally banking on breaking that one
- Alcohol is a no-go (bloody mary's don't count, vegetable juice soooo there)

I'm going to continue working out how I always have too

My last day will be next Saturday where I will be celebrating 2 close friends bdays!

I know this detox isn't from some manual or book, but it's altered to the way I want it. I am NOT doing this to solely loose weight, I want to gain clarity, rid myself of nastiness, and test my strength. My sister also inspired me!

So for day one:

I decided to create Angela from Oh She Glows's GREEN MONSTER that she raves about. It was good, filling but a little thick. I ended up eating it with a spoon, lol. But it filled me up!

I went to see Slumdog Millionaire with my mom and it was AMAZING!!!! I started getting the caffeine headache around now. We went and bought a blender too and it's pretty much awesome so that's another added motivation.

Got home made an Almond Breeze/ mixed berry smoothie with fresh blueberries, blackberries, strawberries and some apple too. I'm gonna need to buy frozen fruit because it's so expensive.

I feel like at this place in my "road to health" I need this. My routine is getting old, I need answers (see previous post), and detoxing is always something I wanted to try. So encouragement is welcome and godspeed to me!

Wishing You...

How to Stay Single

According to my recollection - I thought Forbes came out with their Best Cities to be Single list each year around Valentine's day. I decided to contact their editor and beg them to p l e a s e leave Denver off the list this year!

Ugh. You have no idea how awful it is, as a single woman in Denver to be shot between the eyes with that ammunition in the middle of a conversation with your married friends!

You know, you're just talking about what's going on in your life and they look all confused and say, "But Denver is one of the best cities in the country to be single..." You just know they want to complete that sentence with "...so clearly it's your problem."

I've lived here for six and half years... and I figured out after three years It's the best city in the country to REMAIN single.

Seriously. I know a lot of single men. And I know a lot of single women in this city. If the high quality, gorgeous, successful, smart and fit women that I know are all on the bench (to use a sports metaphor) the men must have it pretty dang easy.

Ah. Easy. There you go. That is the precisely the problem in Denver.
The men here encounter plenty of women who think it's normal to have sex by the third date. Not only that, they think waiting 'til the third date is 'holding out'.

With pickings like that, why would men put in the effort with a quality woman who exhibits actual standards? Why would they expend any energy on a decent woman when they can just go down to LoDo, pick up some chick and get lucky that night? Who needs a relationship when those needs are met?

I know I sound defensive and whiny... but it is this knowledge that has made me a bit of a hermit since ending my last relationship um --- Oh wow --- it's almost 5 months ago! Ugh.

I find myself with such a defeatist attitude.
I think, Why should I go out? If I go out to a club tonight I'm not going to meet a nice Catholic guy, who values abstinence. One who values God's way even though it's not always instantly gratifying.

Nope. If I go out tonight, I'm just going to have to weed through the creeps I've already weeded through. They just keep growing back. (mixing metaphors now!)

I have sort of resigned myself to being alone because I'm not going to find half the man Mr. Burns is... and even Mr. Burns proved not to be enough man for me. What's the point?

And for the record, when I got to Forbes' website it revealed that they put the list out in October - and Denver is bumped down to the 20s. Praise God!

13

Today is Friday the 13th.
Today in yoga there was 13 people in the class
Am I sensing a bad omen?

Lol.

Today woke up went to a yoga class at the gym. It was verrrrry basic. We only did like 3 sun salutation, but nonetheless it was refreshing and stretched me out. Afterwards, I wanted to see how fast I could run a mile and feel like I could have pushed myself a little more. I won't reveal my time because I feel like it's not that good, lol. I can't tell this blog EVERYTHING.

So I've had a revelation recently. I think it was while I was listening to Van Morrision, but, I have been job hunting for a full-time position forever, and I'm sick of it. I've recently broadened my horizons to start looking in New England and I may get called in for an interview in the next couple weeks. I feel like I subconsciously have not been looking for jobs in NJ to move away again. I'm just in a confused place right now. I love being close to my family so if I moved to NY state, I would only be 4 hours away... Ugh so much to weigh. I'm not a list person so I don't know how to weigh these options. I swear nothing in NJ is appealing to me right now besides the people. Anyways, that was a mental health rant....

I also have not been tending to my workouts and I am pissed about it. I don't know what the H has gotten into me. I need to get back on track....

So today in both the calendar world and in my own world I feel unsettled, cautious & weary, or just "off".

I need answers....and I need them now.

Happy 13th everyone. The second most unavoidable day in February for me......

A Day in the Life...

Work yesterday involved moving old computers to storage for future recycling. We did two trailer loads plus two pickup loads worth! I figure that qualified as my weight lifting for the day! Don't you agree?

Last night after work, I took the dogs on a walk; I couldn't resist Sissy any longer...every day she has been wanting to go, and the last time I took them, they still got pretty wet and muddy. But, it was a nice day, so when she did her daily ritual of pulling out her coat and dragging it around looking pitiful, I gave in and off we went! It was nice to walk, I had been battling a headache all day, so it was good to get out in the air. Then, I attended my WW meeting, and we ate supper.

I had just curled up on the couch, when Tina came by and we decided instead to go to the girls basketball game. It was fun and we enjoyed it. It, unfortunately, was their second loss of the season, but very exciting. Tina also wanted to see the dance team perform at half time, and they sure did a great job as well! She teaches dance to some of the members. So, I had more fun last night than I thought I would. That was a nice surprise!

It started snowing last night, and is still snowing. It is beautiful outside right now! It appears we may have some more good sledding weather...any takers?

How to Walk in Snow

Look how Sissy picks up her paw in the snow. I found this photo amongst my "Snow Dogs" photos from our last snow storm and had to laugh at the way she was walking in the snow!

Poor Silly Sissy!

All the single ladies...

Me vs the Machine

Ok, this is the machine I hope to conquer:

I always heard that elliptical machines were so much easier on your knees, etc than the treadmills and such. But, this machine at the Y is a killer. I cannot use it nearly as long as I can stay on a treadmill. I think I will just keep at it until I win the battle. However, several people told me that the other elliptical machines there (we have three different kinds) are much better. Maybe I'll give those a try and decide which one I like best. As of now, I use the treadmill for half of my workout and this for the other half. Then, I do the weight machines. This is the Nordic Track Power Ramp. One nice feature is the fan!

Maybe I'm just a wimp?

Patron Saint of the Single

With Single's Awareness Day* rounding the bend, I set out on a task from God.

I don't know if other denominations do this, but in the Catholic Church, we have a time after the Homily, and before the Eucharist in which we offer up prayer petitions.
They usually include prayers for the sick, prayers for our nation's leaders (smart move) and other special intentions followed by the congregation saying together: "Lord, hear our prayer."

It's nice. When I was a kid in Catholic school we were encouraged to add our own... we asked for rain, good crops... and when one of my cousins was pregnant (I was around 8 years old) I prayed each day for nine months that she would have a happy and healthy baby. Today he is a handsome young man, safely back from a lengthy tour in Iraq. God does answer prayers.

I know I'm not the only one who recognizes how singles are left out of almost everything at church - so today I called the church office asking for the person responsible for coordinating the petitions for this weekend's services.

When I reached her, I said that I thought it would be appropriate, in light of Valentine's day - to offer a prayer for the single adults of the parish.

I fully expected her to ask for an example - and had one prepared - but all she said was that she would have to check with Father.

Okay. At least I made my hopes and prayers known. I will report back to let you know how it went over.

But may I encourage you to do the same? Ask your priest or pastor to recognize, and pray over the pain in many lives. And if you're married - wow - it would blow me away if you could make this happen.

Here's the intention I composed in case she asked:

For the Single Adults in our parish. That they might experience God's love in a tangible way, through our church community.

or

During this season in which we witness love in our family and in our marriages, we pray for Single Adults in our parish who might instead experience the sting of loneliness. May they feel God's love in our church community.

I guess my priest's response will tell me just how seriously he takes it. He does understand, a little. Although his response is that priests feel the same loneliness. Of course I pointed out that priests choose the priesthood - we don't usually choose to be alone. Touche, said he!

Oh - and when I decided on the title of this post, I thought I'd better see whether there really is a Patron Saint for the Single (Other than Bridgette Jones! Ha ha) Turns out there are two! Guess who's going to be called upon at prayer time tonight?!!

* In case you didn't get it - Single's Awareness Day = Valentine's Day - because isn't that really what it is? Round up all the couples so you can tag the singles!!

Funday Sunday

On Sunday, our bike group all gathered up at "R" 's house in Crawford. He had invited us all up for a fish fry. Upon arrival, we had some delicious snacks. There were fresh veggies and dips (I brought some as well), cinnamon popcorn..yum, smoked turkey and crackers and trout spread/dip. I tell you, it was tasty. Then, we went out hiking over at Fort Robinson State Park on and around the buttes. It was quite a workout at times for me, but I loved it! There was some snow/mud on the trail in places, and it was chilly out, but I dressed in layers and stayed plenty warm. We hiked for over two hours, and it was just awesome. We all enjoyed it so much! Afterward, he treated us to a fish fry to die for, with yummy food. Best of all, we loved the time together, had lots of laughs and story telling. It was a great Sunday. You can view the photos in my photo albums in the link on the right side of this page, or view my slide show here.

I went, I danced, I conquered

Lacking on the posting, I know, but everything has been so exciting.

Friday was the "He's Just Not That Into You" movie with my girlfriends. They should've made this movie come out Saturday so on V-day I could go with my other single friends, so blah to that.

Saturday my good friend from school had his birthday at McFaddens in Philly, and boy was it a college reunion. It was so nice catching up with everyone (and dancing) and I held my own despite the open bar and numerous bottle ordering. I didn't even eat delicious philly pizza! It was good seeing my guy friend too, I miss him! BUT I left my cellphone in the cab, and the boys were being boys saying they didn't owe for the cab/wanted to pay with a credit card (who knows) so the cab guy drove off pissed after we paid. We called my phone he said "FU and that he was trowing it out the window". I guess my perfect, fun night had to have at least one typical Erin moment.

Come next morning, recuperation. We all went to bed at like 6am. Drove home, slept, cooked a lean cuisine panini wrong (yeah didn't read the label = disgusting) and then after the Verizon store picked up a sweet onion teryaki Subway sub (footlong baby, I needed to cure my hungoverness) watched Vicky, Christina, Barcelona which was really entertaining and made me want Javier Bardem a lot. No gym, lol, Watched Big Love and passed out.

Today has been about sending out applications for jobs, gyming hardcore and attending hatha yoga. My sister had only done it once and went with me and loved it. The teacher was calm, slow moving and good. I feel stretched and rejuvenated. I probably need a detox from all the craziness this past weekend.

It felt good to see everyone from school and feel good about myself. Yeah so I could be smaller but I felt good and pretty and seemed to impress my one guy friend, lol. Confidence probably added to that and the fact that me and him used to have a "thing"... that's a whole different post in itself.

P.S here's a shot of me with my new bangs out on Thursday night with my friend Amanda.


Goodnight!

Another Thumbs Up!

We watched "The Secret Life of Bees" on Saturday night. Tina had rented it and brought it by to share. We really liked it! Lily is played by Dakota Fanning; she and the rest of the cast (Queen Latifah, Jennifer Hudson, Sophie Okonedo and Alicia Keys) all do a wonderful job! I had read the book a few years ago and liked it very much and the movie was awesome too! Here is the synopsis:


Set in South Carolina in 1964, the tale of Lily Owens, a 14-year-old girl who is haunted by the memory of her late mother. To escape her lonely life and troubled relationship with her father, Lily flees with Rosaleen, her caregiver and only friend, to a South Carolina town that holds the secret to her mother's past. Taken in by the intelligent and independent Boatwright sisters, Lily finds solace in their mesmerizing world of beekeeping, honey and the Black Madonna.

Watch and Enjoy!

An Actual Conversaton...

I seem to be on the recovery end of my cold. The majority of my energy is back. We'll just see how long it takes to kick this cough.

But in the height of the yuck, this conversation with my dear friend Kikr:

Me: What I don't understand - and I'm sorry if this is gross - is how you can blow your nose every 5 seconds and yet there is always more!

Kikr: Oh. I can explain exactly why. (she is an audiologist and therefore understands the mysterious things that happen between the ears and behind the nose)

Silence.

Me: So you're saying I don't want to know?

Kikr: Uh. Yeah. The answer is way grosser than the question!

I'm guessing it has something to do with that ugly mucus character from the TV commerical.


She thought it best to wait and tell me when I'm healthy - and not plagued with the disgusting reality myself!


What a good friend.

More Notes from the Sofa...

There is a fundamental quote hidden in the unlikely movie "The Object of My Affection".
The movie is about Nina (Jennifer Aniston) who falls in love with her best friend George (Paul Rudd) - who unfortunately for the love story... is gay.

Also unfortunately, Nina is pregnant and her boyfriend is a loser. She left him.
Hilarity does not ensue. It's a drawn out story of emotion as Nina watches everyone around her fall in love with someone else.

Here comes the line:

Nina's purse is snatched as she leaves the bus station. Six+ months pregnant and lacking everything in her purse - she has no way home. She ducks into a nearby police station where two handsome officers are ending their shifts. They take her report and one of them offers her a ride home.

Nina expresses her gratitude and the handsome cop says, "If I were married I would want someone to drive my wife home."
She reveals that she is not married, though obviously pregnant... and the conversation continues through the drive.

At one point she turns to him and says, "Oh, you are so nice. You should be married."
Handsome cop chuckles and says, "What? You think all nice people are married?"


That's right man. Testify!

Funny. That one little line validated me for today.
So often, I feel left behind. That I must be lacking something - if no one wants to take me as their bride and spend all his days with me.

If only I were a worthwhile person...

Of course I know that's not true. But it is hard when you spend every day of your life alone - come home from work to an empty house - and have no one in particular to call to share news or funny tidbits. No one to feel just awful for you because you are sick with the common cold.

It was just nice to be reminded that not everyone who is great is married.
It's not a reward. (even if society makes it feel that way)

And plenty people who are married are unhappy, feel stuck, feel lonely - and have no one to talk to.
And that's even sadder.

New Favorite Movie Line..

I'm wallowing on the couch with a movie marathon (courtesy: Bl*ckbuster), as I nurse my cold.

First up: The Devil Wears Prada

Laugh out loud moment: "You know what really kills me about this whole thing... is the clothes you're going to get. You don't deserve them. You eat carbs for Chrissake."

Not much to say...

Gee, it seems like I haven't posted much this week. Some weeks, I think of a lot to write about, and then I write several posts all at once and just set them to post at various times during the week. Other times, like this week, I seem to not have anything at all come to mind.

Anyone out there watch Biggest Loser? I don't know why, but I am addicted to watching it. I was glad that Joelle finally got booted off, although her partner didn't deserve it...and wow, Joelle was just a .... well, not nice. I don't think I would want to be her partner. And, she stayed mean to her partner later on as well, gosh sakes! I don't like mean people.

As for my own biggest loser contest, I have been faithful with my exercising, pretty good about food (not quite as good as the exercise part), and am losing slowly. I would like to see a big jump in the scale, instead of small increments, but at least it's been a consistent loss. I just wish it were more! You know how they always say "you didn't gain it overnight", so you won't lose it overnight? Well, I think I did. I woke up one morning, and there it was. Honest. Maybe I could use a personal trainer like Bob. (Or maybe one who looks like my favorite HGTV host, David Bromstad? It looks like he works out, don't you think? I think it does.)

I am not sure what my weekend will hold for me, but I am sure some cleaning and laundry will be in store for me. I hope you have a great weekend! I'll be trying to think up some interesting thoughts to post about.....

I Wrote Something... don't expect much

I'm sick.

Just the other day I realized all my friends and their children were battling colds. I thought to myself: "I haven't been sick in a while... how lucky."

And I swear I wasn't cocky about it. It got me anyway.

I just got the cold yesterday - so that doesn't excuse that I've only been to yoga two times in the past two weeks.

Today, I stayed home for the morning, intending to do what work I could from home - but went into work to do the things I have to do there. I think I'll do the same tomorrow - except I have to do the homework. Or I can tell my co-worker that I can't, and she will do it. We'll see.

Thing is, I'm 'on-call'/ 'freelance' which means I don't get benefits. No pay if I don't work. So I figured half a day's pay was better than none. Pppplllbtt.
My boss is out sick too.

My temperature is 101. Not alarming I know, but still very uncomfortable.

I really require sympathy when I am sick - so I called my mom. Her sympathy was half-hearted. Hard to summon the proper amount of pity when your daughter says. "I'm thick." It's too funny.

I called three friends for sympathy and none of them answered. None of them called back. Took every fiber of my being not to call Mr. Burns.

I know.... and I'm also a drama queen.

Lil' bit.

Healthy Obsession

I realized today that I am obsessed and completely fascinated with health food stores and natural remedy aisles. I went into our local health food store with my Dad today and was reading every single label, reading the origin of the products and gazing at all the teas, beauty products etc... I don't even know how much time flew by but I was totally enthralled in it. It's actually an education reading the health food labels, (and takes less time because clearly less ingredients). I left with a Kombucha, Guava Synergy & Desert Essence tea tree oil lip gloss.

Then we went to the library where I subconsciously ended up in the health food/healthy living book section, where I picked up a seasonal soup book & a book about the spirituality of yoga. Also 2 discs of Big Love (indulgence). So today I am channeling my inner health freak I guess.

This week has been pretty uneventful. No job call backs, I've been applying all over, and my part-time gig is low key right now. I am highly considering moving to a farm and volunteering or doing something "out of the box" because the "in the box" options right now are very limited. Maybe this health obsession is a pull in a different professional direction...who knows. I need a new challenge/adventure

Been going to the gym. I ran all the way to the bay at the end of my road which equals 1.7 miles (I stopped twice for about a minute) which made me happy. My running is definitely improving. I also got bangs 3 days ago courtesy of my friend. It snowed 5 inches yesterday. I made a tapenade today and stuffed peppers last night for dinner. Yeah why do you care, haha and basically this has been a random entry and I should go now.

(scurries away)



It is only in adventure that some people succeed in knowing themselves - in finding themselves.

P.S. - Angela at Oh She Glows is holding a Healthy Valentines Day Giveaway! You have to send her your own healthy recipe somehow related to Valentines Day and you win an Oh She Glows tank and 5 boxes of Amy's Organic Crackers. I've already entered so now it's your turn!

Lonesome Dogs

So...I was on ANOTHER road trip for work, another workshop. Man, I should be getting smart someday, huh? Sissy and Sammy stayed home alone as hubby had to be gone as well, so Tina and Sophie ended up spending the night at our house to keep them company! She said Sammy wouldn't come sleep in the room with them, though, he hid out in our room. Probably either in the closet or his other favorite hiding place amongst the bed pillows. :-)

They were pretty happy to see me after my one night away!

I'm Lame

hey friends...
sorry I've been away. I'm not really feeling like myself lately. I don't know when I'll have my silly spirit back.

But I promise I'll be back soon.

Talk amongst yourselves...

Snow Dogs

Sissy

Sophie

Sammy

(Photos from last Tuesday)