Merit System

My girlfriend was waiting to hear the details about the guy who inspired the text: "I really like him."

Grinning broadly, I spilled. "I do. I really like him. He's a good man. I'm giddy!"

We talked about a few specifics before she looked at me through her eyelashes, saying, "If you end up in a relationship with him, I'm going to go jump off a building."

She hasn't been in a relationship in three years, and apparently the brief month between my final breakup with Mr. Burns and taking up with McTwitchy offended her sense of fairness.

Wait.

We don't know that this will be anything. This may be God's way of softening the sting of being alone before I'm really all alone once again. Although, I secretly hope that I can fulfill that urban legend of the woman who gets out of a long relationship and immediately finds the guy she'll marry. But I am also prepared for that not to happen.

When we think about happy endings - it's hard not to think of them as a reward.

When Mr. Burns and I broke up for the second and final time - I felt again, the frustration that I just don't get to have what God gives everyone else.
No husband. No job. No babies.

Where did I go wrong? What have I done so wrong? What did I do that was so bad that I am not worthy of marriage and children, when I can point out people who, according to my logic - have that and don't deserve it. (yikes. Self-righteous much?)

It took someone to point out to me... "God doesn't work on a merit system."
That's an eyeopener. Although sometimes I wish He would.

It's really hard to think that perhaps marriage isn't a reward for good behavior. Having a teammate for life... someone to come home to... someone to share meals with... someone to share the power of touch.
It certainly seems like being without those things is a punishment. The gift of children is indeed a gift, not a bonus plan. (spare me the 'Marriage is Hard' lecture --- that's another post -- and my response is ... Anything worth having is hard. Duh. Being single is hard too.)

I know that my friend doesn't begrudge me finding a worthy man less than two months after ending a relationship. She just also wants that for herself. Even seeing all the difficulties Mr. Burns and I had, she still wanted that too... because struggling together is more appealing than struggling alone.

She's wondering what is wrong with her. Why, perhaps, she is not worthy.
The answer is Nothing. and She is.
The fact is, it's not that she hasn't earned it... but maybe she's just not ready. Or the man for her isn't ready yet. And that stinks. It really freaking stinks.

But I do know, God is preparing something for all of us. When it comes, the wait will have been worth it.