Pitch the LAMB: All the Old Showstoppers

The following is my submission for this month’s Pitch the LAMB. The theme for this month is buddy flicks. Yes my pitch is a bit silly, but sometimes even I get in the mood for fluff.

All the Old Showstoppers

Cast:
Suzette – Sarah Polley
Leslie – Fabrizio Filippio
Hasuzo – Ken Jeong
Cedric – Dave Chapelle
No Thy Ene-Miis – Justin Long, Anna Faris
Levi – Seth Rogen

Leslie and Suzette, the duo behind the struggling Canadian band Fool’s Winter, have been on tour for the last six months promoting their self-released debut “Do We Say Eh?” Despite the duos passion for performing, they have yet to grow any real sort of following. Their agent, Cedric, has been booking them gigs in rundown country bars and biker bars. Neither of which is an ideal place to showcase Fool’s Winter’s unique blend hip hop/indie-rock. After living in a cramped van for months, not to mention having beer thrown in their face on a nightly basis, it looks like Leslie and Suzette’s friendship might finally be reaching its breaking point.

One night, while blowing the dust off their CD’s at the merchandising table, Suzette is approached by a man, Hasuzo, who claims to represent a major Japanese record label. Hasuzo is looking for a band to be the opening act for an upcoming U2 show in Osaka. There is one catch though, any band who agrees to take the opening act gig must live in Osaka for a month and have their experiences filmed for a future reality show. Suzette immediately jumps at the chance to expand the bands audience, but Leslie is hesitant at first due to the television show aspect. Suzette pleads for Leslie to sign the contract by proclaiming”you owe me! Remember that time in Oshawa? You do not want to know what I had to do to get us the money to replace your guitar.” Guilt riding, Leslie agrees to sign Hasuzo’s papers as he figures the trip might be the break they need. As he signs the documents Suzette tries to ease his mind by stating “the show will only be aired in Japan. Really, who’s going to know? ”

A few days later Leslie and Suzette arrive in Japan and are mesmerized by the beauty of the country. When they arrive at the house, which Hasuzo has provided for them, they are surprised by how massive it is. Yet after an hour in the house, Leslie starts to notice some strange things occurring. “I think the walls are moving…this room was not here before” he remarks to Suzette. It soon becomes apparent to both Leslie and Suzette that the house is in fact one massive soundstage for an elaborate Japanese game show. As the duo makes their way through the funhouse-styled maze, which features booby traps around ever corner, they come across four other bands that are also competing for the coveted opening act spot.

As the competition heats up, and the traps get hilariously more outlandish, Leslie and Suzette’s ten year friendship is put to the ultimate test. Instead of crumbling to the pressure, they find a way to overcome every adversity that Hasuzo, and rival band No Thy Ene-Miis, try to throw at them. In the end, Fool’s Winter find their way out of the house mere seconds after No Thy Ene-Miis. Hasuzo congratulates both bands for finishing the game. He announces that No Thy Ene-Miis will be the opening act for U2…a new extreme game show Hasuzo is producing. Hasuzo then hands Leslie and Suzette check for five hundred thousand dollars stating that it is their runners-up prize. Suzette politely thanks Hasuzo before surprising him with a swift punching him in the face. The film ends with the game show becoming an international hit over the internet; causing Leslie and Suzette’s band to gain a huge fan base. Cedric is fired and the band’s new agent, Levi, gets them booked at all the major music festivals. As the final credits role, the “You Two” sign is flashing over head and No Thy Ene-Miis is shown trying to play their instruments in a cage fully of overly aggressive monkeys

The Itchy & Scratchy Effect

Mike over at You Talking To Me? recently wrote a great piece on “Where’s The Airship Movies” These are films that really serve no other purpose than to have as many explosions as possible on the screen. The article is a follow up to his commentary on “Chocolate Bar Movies,” films that satisfy for a while but are quickly forgotten.

If you would permit me to piggyback on Mike’s piece for a moment, I would like to throw in my own personal phrase into the ”Filmic Measures” lexicon: “The Itchy & Scratchy Effect.” This when you have a character, by all indications is a normal human being, who refuse to die no matter what you do to them. The characters always lives long enough for the hero, or heroine, to utter some sort of ”Hasta La Vista”-style line, though not as good as Arnold’s catchphrase, before they strike the final blow.

Now this is by no means a new trend these types of scenes play out all the time and could easily qualify under Mike’s “Chocolate Bar Movies” heading. Yet the reason I call it “The Itchy & Scratchy Effect” is because I am always reminded the “Itchy and Scratchy Land” episode of television show The Simpsons. The episode is a spoof of Jurassic Park and action films in general. Though I use the terminology more in relation to thrillers and horror flicks but I digress. In the episode two distinct moments standout, the first being a conversation below that Marge has with a local park guard.  The discussion is in regards to the absurdity of the violence and how the characters unrealistically manage to survive:

Guard: Here at Itchy and Scratchy Land, we're just as concerned with violence as you are. That's why we're always careful to show the consequences of deadly mayhem, so that we may educate as well as horrify.

Marge: When do you show the consequences? On TV, that mouse pulled out that cat's lungs and played them like a bagpipe, but in the next scene, the cat was breathing comfortably.

Guard: Just like in real life.

The second point that I always remember, and often quote, comes when Bart destroys the robotic mouse, Itchy. Bart uses the flash on his camera to disrupt the robot’s circuits. Before killing the mouse Bart states “Hey, mouse. Say, ‘Cheese’ ” The line is brilliantly followed up with Bart commenting on the fact that “With a dry, cool with like that, I could be an action hero.” Seconds later Homer is saying the exact same thing. Showing how the final strike always needs to be added by some defining comment.

Having recently watched both The Stepfather and Orphan I was again reminded by how often and, at times, how absurdly “The Itchy & Scratchy Effect” is used. The Stepfather is not a good movie but I had fun watching it. Part of the enjoyment came from the fact that my co-worker and I (the movie was shown at our office…long story) were playing the “is he dead yet game?” during the screening. Basically something would happen, say the evil stepfather getting stabbed in the neck, and I would joke that the movie is over knowing full well that my co-worker would say “not yet, the cut does not look deep enough”. We both knew that it would take at least more things that happen before the evil stepfather meets his doom… but you get the picture.

While I found Orphan to be light years better than The Stepfather it still falls victim to “The Itchy & Scratchy Effect” towards the end. Somehow disturbed little Esther, who is four foot nothing and maybe sixty pounds wet, miraculously survives various things in a way that can only happen in movies. The last twenty minutes of film build up to the moment where Vera Farmiga’s Kate can finally proclaim “I am not your [bleeping] Mother!”, thus completing “The Itchy & Scratchy Effect.”

As I mentioned before this is nothing new, “The Itchy and Scratchy Effect” has been around for ages and it will continue for many more years to come. It is something that I have come to expect from certain genres. I am sure everyone has their own individual phrase for it. Yet every time I see these types of scenes happen in a movie, I am fondly reminded of those two great satirical moments that The Simpson’s offered up.

Pitch The LAMB: Crash Years

The following is my submission for the Pitch the LAMB feature over at The Large Association of Movie Blogs site (aka. The LAMB). The genre for this month's Pitch the LAMB is Slasher Films. Bloggers are encouraged to come up with an idea for a movie in that genre style.

Crash Years

Despite massive layoffs over the last two years, Union Prima, the world’s leading insurance company, has achieved record profits during that span. Many have accused Union Prima of using the recession as a loophole to violate many of the corporate ethics laws; yet no one has been able to prove it...until now. Alec Sherbert, one of Union Prima’s underpaid mailroom clerks, has been secretly providing a spunky journalist, Shelia Bubletei , with classified documents for weeks. Now on the eve of Union Prima’s annual shareholder’s meeting, Alec is just a few documents away from helping blow the scandal wide open.

Unfortunately for Alec, a bigger story is emerging right before his eyes. On the day of the shareholder’s meeting Alec discovers the body of prominent shareholder in one of the mailroom bins. With the doors leading outside mysteriously locked, and unable to reach Shelia as the phone lines have been cut, Alec’s only hope is to find the last bit of information Sheila needs and find a way out of the building. As the bodies pile up in gruesome fashion, many killed with various office supplies, Alec races to evade the masked killer wielding a serrated letter opener.

After finding the last required file on Shelia’s list, Alec risks his life to save Union Prima CEO Jean Ason from the mysterious killer. Alec and the killer battle until the sound of police men coming up the building distracts them. By time the police reach the executive floor of Union Prima, Ason is crying over Alec’s dead body and the wounded killer is nowhere to be found. As the police remove Alec’s body, a file drops out of his jacket. The file is the work history of Hector Shont, an accountant who was part of the massive layoffs. Unable to pay his bills, Hector committed suicide. Hector’s was survived only by his daughter Sheila whose whereabouts were listed as unknown.

Cast
Alec Sherbert – Jay Baruchel
Shelia Bubletei – Rebecca Hall
Jean Ason – Emma Thompson

Pitch the LAMB: Mutiny, I Promise You

The following is my submission for the Pitch the LAMB feature over at The Large Association of Movie Blogs site (aka. The LAMB). The genre for this month's Pitch the LAMB is Coming-of-Age and bloggers are encourage to come up with an idea for a movie in that genre style.

Mutiny, I Promise You

The Pitch: 17 year-old Frankie Heyward rarely sees eye to eye with his folks on anything. The only person who seems to truly get him is Alba Morris, a 37 year-old woman who he chats with online every night. Despite the fact that Alba is married with kids, Frankie believes that they are destined to be together. After a particularly heated argument with his parents, over the amount of time he spends on the computer each day, Frankie leaves home and in hopes of hitchhiking across the country to be with Alba.

Along his travels Frankie meets, and befriends, former movie child star Neil Cord. Although Neil has not landed a role in years, he refuses to accept that his fame has faded. Neil parties hard with no regard to the consequences of his actions. Through Neil, Frankie is introduced to an exciting world filled drugs, women, and booze. Frankie is mesmerized by this lifestyle at first but soon sees its darker side when a drug dealer, Douglas Dell, starts pursuing Neil for unpaid debts. Fearing for Neil’s life, Frankie pleads with Neil to just pay the money stating “he’s going to kill you”. Yet, unbeknownst to Frankie, Neil squander all his money away on years ago.

As the two young men travel across country, Frankie starts to question whether his life at home was as bad as he originally thought? Neil begins to realize, through his friendship with Frankie, that there is more to life than being admired by others. Sadly this realization comes too late for Neil as he is suddenly gunned down by Douglas Dell. “Hey Frankie…” would be the last words ever uttered out of Neil's mouth. By time Frankie reaches Alba’s house he is a changed man. Exhaust, both mentally and physically, Frankie can barely muster the energy to knock on Alba's front door. After all Frankie has witnessed and experienced, he now knows that there is no future with Alba. All Frankie wants is to use Alba’s phone to call his parents so that they can bring him home.

Possible Cast:
Frankie Heyward - Aaron Johnson
Neil Cord - Paul Dano
Douglas Dell -Bobby Cannavale
Alba Morris - Melissa McCarthy

Pitch the LAMB: Kopera

The following is my submission for the Pitch the LAMB feature over at The Large Association of Movie Blogs site (aka. The LAMB). The theme for this month's Pitch the LAMB is Science Fiction and bloggers are encourage to come up with a movie ideas based on the genre.

KOPERA

Cast:

Agnes Kopera -Kerry Washington

Zigmund Cox - Brad Pitt

Jangois Velope - Johnny Depp

Stephanie Shibato - Tilda Swinton

Rick Urani - Ken Leung

Hilroy Vangaudrid - Josh Brolin

Jimmy Vesteeg - Diego Luna

The year is 2060 and the world is on the verge of its next big technological revolution. Agnes Kopera , 33, is a former drug addict who now works as a psychiatrist helping others overcome their addictions. One afternoon Kopera returns home to find a mysterious unmarked brown envelope mixed in with her bills; and two messages on her VangTube video phone system. The first message is from a telemarketer asking for donations for the Save A Child Organization. Images of homeless and hungry children flashed across the 60 inch screen. The second message is from a man who did not identify himself and spoke in a frantic tone. Kopera knew who person was without even looking up, Jimmy Vesteeg. Jimmy, a notorious celebrity cyber hacker, was an old friend from Agnes' drug hazed days. It had been years since she had seen Vesteeg but she could tell something was wrong. Jimmy looked flustered and was talking at a faster rate than usual. What Kopera could decipher was that Jimmy had found a way to hack into the ironclad Vangaudrid Incorporated security system and came across something disturbing in their database.

Founded by Hilroy Vangaudrid, Vangaudrid Incorporated is credited with changing the global market place in regards to electronic devices. The company's cutting edge "Vang" series of products has altered how people go about their daily lives. It is nearly impossible to find a home, or a person, that does not own at least one Vanguadrid product. Even the world of social networks has been influenced by Vangaudrid. The online network, The VangTrack, sees an average of 3 million users logging on a each day. Labelled a visionary by his peers, Hilroy Vangaudrid plans to unveil his company's latest invention, The VangCart, to the masses in mere days. Little is known about the device but consumer anticipation is already through the roof.

This insatiable curiosity about The VangCart is what led Jimmy to break into the company's network in the first place. Vesteeg did not go into detail about what he found though; Jimmy merely stated that Kopera's life was in grave danger and that the monkey was the key. Agnes Kopera then watched in horror as Jimmy abruptly shot himself. The image of Jimmy's dead body froze on screen for a few seconds before the message automatically timed out.

None of this made sense to Agnes, she was clearly in shock, and her mind struggled to absorb what she had just witnessed. The one thing she knew for sure was that Jimmy never did anything without having a backup plan ready first. Kopera quickly rips open the brown envelope and finds a holographic tattoo at the centre of the white page. The tattoo is of a cartoon monkey with three stars rapidly swirling over the character's head. Underneath the tattoo is a cryptic note from Jimmy stating "Will you bring destruction to mankind? Only if I am successful." Kopera did not understand what the phrase meant but she knew how these type of tattoos worked. Without hesitating Agnes touched the holographic image and felt a slight burning sensation on her right forearm. Within seconds the tattoo had transferred from page to her arm. Jimmy's cryptic note also disappeared and was replaced by three words: "They are coming!"

Kopera's life is soon turned upside down as she finds herself on the run from a sadistic bounty hunter, Jangois Velope, who will stop at nothing to get the information stored within Agnes' tattoo. Hired by Hilroy Vanguadrid himself, Jangois leaves a path of sorrow and pain whereever he goes and takes immense pride in that fact. If Jangois Velope was not enough to deal with, Kopera must also evade two hard-boiled federal agents, Stephanie Shibato and Rick Urani. Shibato and Urani are investigating Jimmy's suicide and his ties to an illegal underground commune known as The Nezzar.

Shibato believes that The Nezzar is a group of anarchist who may have terrorist ties. Fearing for her life, and with options running out, Kopera's only hope might be a mysterious recluse named Zigmund Cox. Zigmund used to work at Vanguadrid Incorporated before vanishing one day without a trace. Rumours of his alleged death have floated around for years, yet so have tales about Cox's association with The Nezzar. As Kopera's journey takes her deeper into the mystery of the monkey tattoo, she will not only learn more about Vangaudrid and The Nezzar, but about herself as well. Kopera will make a discovery about her past, one that she never knew she had, which will have horrific ramifications for both Kopera and the world in general.

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