Pffftttt!

I spend a lot of time lately explaining to God how He's not playing fair.

If you haven't guessed, McTwitchy is out of the picture.
After he told me that he was concerned he might not be available enough to me... we had a talk about what availability looked like.
From his point of view... he couldn't answer because he finds that his time is unpredictable. So he asked what it would look like to me.

Going out once on the weekends
A phone conversation sometime during the week
and
Meeting up sometime during the week for a walk or a bike ride / activity

When I got to the third item, I saw him flinch. I was asking too much of him.

Already, we were going an entire week between seeing one another, and when I said so he felt a bit attacked. He actually said he thinks he should find someone who doesn't want to spend as much time with him.

Yes. I thought that was the dumbest thing I've ever heard!
How do you find someone with whom you connect, have great chemistry, enjoy each other's company and conversation, feel attraction ... and wish to spend less time with them?

He chooses to be single and I told him so.

Maybe I do expect too much too soon. But I really think, at our age (approaching 40 and 40+ ) if you are looking for a relationship... six weeks in you probably want to spend time together. Six weeks is where you decide, "I like this person. I want to know more" or not.
I would say it's different if you're 20-25. At that age, it might be a bit overbearing.

But I've already spent my whole life alone. It's time to get on with it. Why wait? The sooner we spend time together, the sooner we figure out if we WANT to spend time together... maybe a life together. It will become obvious very soon if we don't want to!!

Bottom line... I think the right man for me will be the guy who wants to spend time with me. Who wants me to feel special. And I him.

I'm not exactly sure that man exists... but if he did, he would be the one for me.

The remainder of the equation is that ... this is dating at 40. If a man is 40 and single it is because he chose to put other things (work, play, hunting, nintendo, gambling, drinking ...) ahead of making time with someone special.

I am aware that the same could be said for me.
In my 20s, my career was definitely ahead of the men I met. But I'm over that now... and a man should be too. Now is the time for him to be established and unafraid of sharing his life.

My friend told me yesterday that I am single by choice.
That I've broken up with as many men as have broken up with me. That's probably true.
But what is also true is... I've never dated a man who wanted to be with me more than he wanted to do anything else.

Okay, maybe there were two guys who did... but the rest of their values didn't really match up with mine.

So here I am... weeks away from 40 - and I've never been truly loved. I've never been with someone who wants to share life with me.
There were two, maybe three guys who thought about marrying me - but none of them asked.
And I'm officially an old maid. Just as damaged as the men I'm meeting and will meet from here on out.

I truly don't understand why God wants me to be alone.
He did not make us to live life alone.

My widowed, church pew sharing friend told me, "God asks, 'Why are you lonely? You have Me."
While I do believe God wants us to turn to Him and allow Him to fill us up, and fill all our needs... I still think what she said is phooey... If God expected us to fill our lives ONLY with Him, He would not have made Eve for Adam. God intended for us to share our lives - for that is how we experience His love.

I can only think that I am going about this life thing... totally wrong.
I am crying frequently.

For the record; I'm not crying about McTwitchy. Not one tear for him. I'm just so sad that I'm still so alone. The tears are for my loneliness. Surrounded by friends or not, I'm lonely.